thought. But not that Easter. We girded our loins, got dressed up and
went to church. The cross was laden with flowers, the choir started singing
and my dad just said, “Nope”, stood up and we left. That was that. No
church that Sunday.
Budding blossoms sometimes have a way of mocking those in grief. Spring
can be an alienating season when loss hovers. The colors, the vibrance, the
renewal.
No. Just…. no.
My final paper in grad school was called “Why Live”. There is something
about a thesis that invites you to consider what your soul most deeply
seeks. I did so want to know …. upon graduating with a Masters in
Counseling, how was I going to walk with people who might not be able to
answer that question? I deeply, madly, passionately wanted to know.
I had the honor of sitting on a panel discussion with Dr. Stacy Freedenthal
a few years ago to discuss suicide. Stacy is a suicidologist in Denver,
Colorado. She is also a person who attempted suicide, has a son who
struggled with suicidal thoughts and she does therapy with suicidal clients.
Stacy has written books on how to love people struggling with suicidal
thoughts. She created a website called “Speaking of Suicide”
www.speakingofsuicide.com for anyone touched by suicide. And she is a
lovely person. We shared a meal, laughed and talked in ways that reminded
me how human we all are. Her writing reminds me that we have to straddle
wildly ominous and precarious existential realities in life of which we have
very little control. She also offers practical, substantial ways to navigate
life’s most perilous terrain.
The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself
arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will
smile at the other’s welcome, and say, sit here. Eat.
-Derek Walcott
Whether you’re heavy from an experience in which you just had to say “Nope” … or you’re feeling alienated by the suffering that comes from seasons, symptoms, or the swirling circumstances in our society …. or you’re feeling ready to access meaningful resources … there is always space for you. Moods, mindsets, mental health have a way of ebbing and flowing. We
may be okay one day and in an abyss the next. This is the human condition. We cannot be alone in it. We must not isolate in it. And we have to find refuge for it.
This spring I am trying not to let the precariousness take me down. I’m steadying myself in tumultuous waters, trusting this boat will right herself. And even if she doesn’t, I will be okay. I am okay. Everything is going to be okay. Even if its not.
There is refuge here.
In the meantime ….
Is there anything in your life you could just say “Nope” to right now that would relieve you?
What thesis would you write if you were planning a final paper?
What would you most like to hear from your hardest person?
These are some questions that could lead you to some deep and beautiful places in you.
And maybe you’ll be inspired by what you find.
I wrote a paper called “Why Live.”
I’m still writing it.
Maybe you are too.
